Having a stillbirth

When you need to get help

The following symptoms are signs you may be having a stillbirth, and you need emergency help.

• Your baby's movement patterns have changed
• Severe pain in your tummy or back
• Bleeding heavily from your vagina or passing clots
• Your waters have broken and you're not due to have your baby
• Swelling in your face, hands and feet or show signs of pre-eclampsia
• You feel dizzy, have blurred vision or a headache that won't go away
• Your skin suddenly feels very itchy, especially your hands and feet
• You feel very unwell or like something isn't right

If you can't contact your GP or midwife, go to your nearest emergency department or call Triple Zero (000) and ask for an ambulance.

They'll usually do a scan and listen for your baby's heartbeat. You might want to take someone with you for support.

Stillbirth

If your baby dies during pregnancy or birth any time after 20 weeks it's called a stillbirth. If you don't know how many weeks pregnant you are, it's a stillbirth if your baby weighs more than 400 grams.

If your baby dies before 20 weeks it's called a miscarriage.

There's often no clear reason why a stillbirth has happened, but it sometimes happens because the:

• baby stops growing or developing, or has an abnormality
• placenta stops working or starts separating from the mother
• umbilical cord gets twisted or knotted
• mother has a medical condition like high blood pressure, diabetes or pre-eclampsia
• mother or baby gets an infection
• mother has an injury to their abdomen from something like a fall or a car accident
• baby is born too young to survive outside the womb.

Learning your baby has died

Learning that your baby has died is shocking and traumatic whenever it happens. You might find out during a routine scan or check up, during labour or soon after giving birth. You might also have been told that your baby is still alive but won't survive outside the womb.

It's an incredibly overwhelming time and it's often hard to take in any information about what's happened. Doctors might be using medical terms that you don't understand. You might have a lot of questions but don't know where to start. It might also feel like you're being bombarded with decisions, but you don't know what to do.

Take all the time you need to process the information. Write things down if you need to so you can read it later if you want to. Ask as many questions as you need to. The midwives and doctors will do everything they can to support you and help you understand what's happening. They'll talk you through the next steps and give you and your partner some time to be alone and grieve together.

The Raising Children Network website has videos of parents talking about their experience of stillbirth. It might help to watch these and know you're not alone.

Birthing your stillborn baby

If your baby dies after 20 weeks of pregnancy, you'll still need to give birth. This can be very emotional and challenging for you and your family. You'll have doctors and midwives to support you through the process. They'll talk you through your options and explain what will happen.

Your baby doesn't always need to be born straight away. If there's no danger to your health, you might be able to go home for a couple of days to grieve and prepare for the birth.

You can usually decide whether you want to wait for labour to begin naturally, or take medicine to help it start (be induced). Doctors won't usually recommend a caesarean section unless there's a medical reason to have one. That's because it's quicker to recover from a natural birth.

You'll need to see your doctor every few days while you're waiting for labour to begin. They need to make sure you're healthy and there's no signs of infection.

If there's a long wait for the labour to begin, it can affect how your baby looks when they're born. It can also make it more difficult to find out why they died. Your doctor will talk to you about the pros and cons of your choice.

If there's any risk to your health, doctors will recommend inducing your labour. They'll give you medicine either under your tongue, in your vagina, or through a drip into your vein.

Your doctor or midwife will talk to you about options for pain relief before your labour begins. You can have your partner, a friend or family member with you the whole time.

Spending time with your baby

Spending time with your baby after they're born can be a special and comforting experience. Creating memories can help you grieve. You might want to bath and dress your baby and take photos or videos. Hospital staff will help arrange anything you feel comfortable with.

If you have other children, you might want them to meet their baby brother or sister. You might also want family or friends to come and meet your baby. It's all up to you. There's no rush to decide. You care team will support you through your decisions.

It's sometimes also possible to take your baby home for a few days. Talk to your care team if that's something you'd like to do.

The idea of seeing and holding your baby can feel confronting or uncomfortable. If you're anxious or not sure, talk to your midwife or doctor. They can answer all your questions and help you decide what you want to do. It can also help to talk to other parents who have been through the same experience. Your care team can put you in touch with local support groups.

You might not know how you'll feel about seeing and holding your baby until they're born. It's okay to take your time and to change your mind at any point. Don't feel pressured by other people's opinions or expectations – make the choices that are right for you and your family.

If you don't feel ready to see your baby, you can ask for photos to be taken. You can choose to look at them some time in the future when you're ready.

Mementos of your baby

The hospital will usually offer to give you some mementos of your baby.

That might include things like:

• the tape measure used to measure your baby
• a lock of your baby's hair
• your baby's cot name card and identification bracelet
• footprints and handprints.

If you don't want to see these mementos while you're in the hospital, you might want to take them home, or give them to another family member or friend. You might find you're ready to look at them at a later time.

You may also choose to keep memories of your baby in other ways, like creating a memory box or having a baptism, christening or other ceremony. Your care team can help you to make arrangements or put you in touch with support organisations.

Finding out why your baby died

Doctors will examine your baby in the hospital after they're born. They then might suggest doing some more tests to try to find out why your baby died. They might include an autopsy of your baby, as well as blood tests and scans.

It's up to you whether you agree to any of the tests. It can help to learn what happened, and it might help for future pregnancies. It’s not always possible to find an exact cause, but they may be able to rule some things out.

You can take some time to think about your decision. Your care team will be able to answer any questions you have. They'll talk to you about the different options and explain to you:

• why they're recommending an autopsy
• the pros and cons of choosing a full, limited or external autopsy
• what will happen during the autopsy
• how your baby might look afterwards.

Only some hospitals in Queensland can do autopsies, so your baby might be taken to a different hospital. You can't go with them, but they're treated with the greatest care and respect the whole time. Doctors will arrange for your baby to come back to you, or to your choice of funeral home.

The autopsy will usually only take a day. You'll have the chance to spend time with your baby afterwards if you want to. They'll be dressed so you won't be able to see any signs of the autopsy.

It can take a couple of months to get the results. A doctor will call you when they're ready and usually ask you to come in to talk about the results.

It might help to watch Dear Parent: A video about Autopsy on the Red Nose Grief and Loss website.

Arranging your baby's funeral

In Queensland, it's a legal requirement to arrange a burial or cremation for a stillborn baby. You can either choose to arrange this yourself or ask the hospital to arrange it for you. If the hospital arranges it, there's often no cost but it's not usually possible for you to be there.

You can use a funeral director to arrange a more personal ceremony that celebrates your baby and gives you the chance to say goodbye. There's usually a cost, but some funeral homes offer lower prices if you've had a stillbirth. The funeral director will arrange travel for your baby either to the funeral home or to your home. The hospital staff will help you fill in the paperwork and find a local funeral home.

Planning your baby's funeral can be difficult but might help you process your grief. It can be hard making a lot of decisions when you're in a state of shock and emotion. You can ask your family and friends to help with the arrangements.

There are some ideas for planning a special funeral for your baby on the Bears of Hope website.

You might also be able to get financial help. You can ask your care team and read more on the Services Australia website.

Registering your baby

You'll need to register your baby's birth. You can do it for free at the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriage. You can do it online or in person. You'll need to do it within 60 days of the birth.

The registry will show that your baby was stillborn. You don't need to register their death separately.

Registering your baby’s birth means they'll be remembered forever in Queensland’s records. You can also buy a birth certificate to commemorate your baby if you want to.

Recovering after a stillbirth

It can feel like you're never going to recover from losing your baby. Take as much time as you need and be kind to yourself.

Your body

Your body's remaining signs of pregnancy can be a painful reminder of your loss. Some people find experiencing the physical symptoms help with the grieving process, while others want them to go away. Your care team will talk to you about how you want to handle your symptoms. The most important thing is doing what's right for you. Keep talking to your care team. They're there to support you through it all.

Bleeding

It's normal to have some bleeding for a up to 6 weeks after giving birth. It'll start a bit like a heavy period. It will gradually get lighter and change colour from bright red to pink or brown. You should see a doctor straight away if:

• you suddenly start to bleed more
• you're passing large clots
• the blood becomes bright red again
• you feel dizzy or light headed
• you have a fever or start to feel unwell.

Pain

It's common to have some pain after you give birth. It can be worse if you have perineal tears or stitches. Your womb will start contracting to shrink back to its regular size. You can take pain relief and use a cold or heat pack to help with the pain.

Hormones

Your pregnancy and other hormones will drop after you give birth. It can happen quickly or gradually. The change in hormones is likely to make your feelings and emotions even more intense. In some cases, it can be similar to postnatal depression.

You may have:

• mood swings and cry a lot
• trouble sleeping
• low energy
• nausea, sickness, diarrhoea and constipation
• breast pain
• extreme tiredness
• irritability
• anxiety.

The hormonal symptoms can last for 4 to 6 weeks. It's important to look after yourself during this time and ask for help if you need it.

Breast milk

Your body will start to produce milk after you give birth to your baby. It can be extremely distressing and a heartbreaking reminder of your loss.

You might want your milk to stop as soon as possible, or you might want to keep it going to help you feel connected to your baby. You can choose what to do. Your care team will talk you through how to express your milk, or how to dry up your supply if that's what you want.

If you choose to keep expressing, it's sometimes possible to donate your milk to families that need it. Learn more about donating breast milk after a loss on the Lifeblood website.

Your breasts might feel painful and swollen. You can ease the pain with painkillers or a cold pack. You can also express a small amount of milk to relieve the feeling of fullness. It's possible to get mastitis while your breasts are producing milk. If you have flu-like symptoms and your breast is red and feels hot to touch, talk to your GP as soon as possible.

Postnatal check ups

You'll need to have a postnatal check up around 6 weeks after your baby is born. Your doctor will check how:

• you're recovering physically
• you feel emotionally
• your relationships are.

They'll also talk to you about any extra help and support you may need.

You'll have the chance to ask them any questions you have. Your partner, family member or friend can go with you if you want.

It can be very triggering to go back to the place where you learned your baby had died. If you want to go somewhere else for a check up, talk to your doctor.

Read more about your body after a stillbirth on the Pregnancy, Birth and Baby website.

Dealing with grief

Grief is a normal reaction to the loss you've had. You and your partner might grieve in different ways. Remember that grief is different for everyone and there's no right or wrong way to feel.

You might expect to feel intense emotions like, sadness, anger, helplessness and despair. It's also very normal to have a physical reaction. You might feel tired, not want to eat, or have trouble sleeping, concentrating or remembering things.

Don't try to put a timeframe on your recovery. Grief can come and go, and even when you start to feel more like yourself, certain things may bring those feelings back, like:

• seeing other people with babies
• your baby's birth date
• anniversary dates
• trying to get or getting pregnant again.

There are a lot of ways you can get support. You can talk to your partner, family or friends. There are also lots of support groups and services that you can reach out to. Talking to people who have been through the same thing can help.

Read more about grief after stillbirth on the Raising Children Network website. You can also find support services on the Red Nose Day website.

Getting pregnant again

You might want to try for another baby straight away, or it might be the last thing on your mind. You'll know if and when the time is right for you. Your GP will talk to you about using contraception until you feel ready to try again.