It is not about conflict – it’s about power and control.
Coercive control is the pattern of deliberate and rational behaviours used against another person to manipulate and control, and limit their freedom.
In a healthy relationship, there is an equal balance of power between partners, and both partners feel free to state their opinions and make their own decisions. Love ≠ Control (love does not equal control)
The Love ≠ Control storytelling initiative is brought to you by the Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council, and profiles ten Queenslanders sharing their personal experience of domestic and family violence and coercive control.
The whole community needs to understand what domestic and family violence and coercive control are, and the damaging impact they have on victims.
This is critical for prevention, early intervention, improved safety for victims and perpetrator accountability.
Watch the powerful stories below and please raise awareness to help eradicate all forms of domestic and family violence.
Power and Control in Relationships
It’s not always easy to tell if a new relationship will become abusive as warning signs don’t always appear immediately and may emerge and intensify over time as the relationship grows. However, there can be some early warning signs. Find out more by downloading our factsheet.
The Power and Control Wheel in Young People* explains the behaviours and tactics that may use to keep someone in a controlling and unhealthy relationship.
Jade was 18 when she met her abuser, who rushed and intensified their relationship using power and control tactics.
Watch Jade’s short reels below as she explores is it love, or is it control?
Coercive Control
If you feel like your relationship isn’t healthy and there are signs of controlling behaviour that are intimidating, hurtful, scary, or isolating—you're right to check if it's coercive control.
Intimidation
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no place for intimidation in a healthy relationship.
Minimise/Deny/Blame
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no downplaying of abuse in a healthy relationship.
Threats
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no place for threats in a healthy relationship.
Sexual violence and coercion
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no disrespecting your boundaries in a healthy relationship.
Isolation
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no isolating you from your friends in a healthy relationship.
Peer Pressure
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no forcing you to do what you don’t want to do in a healthy relationship.
Emotional Abuse
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no name-calling in a healthy relationship.
Technology
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. There’s no tracking your movements in a healthy relationship.
Watch their personal stories
Angie
Angie’s abuse started in the UK aged 18. Her husband’s cruelty and intimidation lasted 40 years. Despite crippling fear and anxiety, Angie’s daughter Jess helped her with contacting the police for protection.
Ben
Declarations of love, jealousy and isolation from family and friends were red flags for Ben. To keep himself safe from his boyfriend’s growing rage and violence, he made an escape plan with a friend.
Corin
Teenager Corin saw his dad inflicting verbal and physical abuse on his mum, controlling her movements, friendships, and finances. His school principal intervened, contacted police and the family found safety.
Dave
Dave didn’t know Hannah was a victim of coercive control. He is now a community educator and ambassador for Small Steps 4 Hannah Foundation after the homicide of Hannah and her children.
Heather
Heather’s abusive relationship made her question many things about herself. Through a strong support network, she was able to escape the relationship and regain her self-worth, happiness, and independence.
Jade
After meeting on an online app, Jade moved in quickly with her abuser. Three years later Jade was left with serious injuries, but finally told authorities about the terror she lived through.
Krystal
Krystal’s movements were monitored and limited. A neighbour and hospital staff intervened after brutal violence, and she realised she no longer had to live in fear.
Lee-ann
Lee-ann was intimidated, monitored, and isolated. After a violent physical assault, she returned to her hometown and re-established her life, career, and family connections.
Lucy
After moving to Australia, Lucy was isolated, controlled and psychologically abused. In her culture, marriage is forever; however, she found safety after a violent physical assault.
Sam
Sam was manipulated and controlled by her abuser, but she was able to end the relationship before it turned to physical violence. Sam is an advocate for women with disability experiencing domestic violence.
FIND OUT MORE
Download the factsheet to find out more about the signs of coercive control.
Visit the Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council website or email dfvcouncil@premiers.qld.gov.au
Support options
Support is available for all Queenslanders impacted by any form of domestic and family violence, including coercive control.
For free, confidential crisis support
- DVConnect Womensline (24/7): 1800 811 811
- DVConnect Mensline (9am to midnight, 7 days): 1800 600 636
- Mensline Australia (24/7): 1300 78 99 78
- Kids Helpline (24/7): 1800 55 1800
In an emergency
- Call Triple Zero (000) and ask for Police (24/7).