Separation and divorce

When a family goes through a separation or a divorce there’s often a lot of really difficult stuff to deal with at home. There’s a lot of change, emotion, and often tension which can be hard on all members of the family—particularly as separation and divorce often takes place over a long time.

Changes

You’re often dealing with what's going on between your parents, as well as many other changes; things that most people don't even notice or think about like:

• not having your pet at your home all the time
• having to be at a different house
• eating different food and having to prepare meals for yourself
• getting used to new family members.

These are all major things that take time to get used to, and make a big difference to how you feel and cope with what’s going on around you.

Understanding your feelings

Every family's situation and experience of separation is different. For some people, when their parents decide to split up it can be a surprise and there may be feelings of shock and devastation. For others there can be a sense of relief.

People often have both positive and negative feelings about their parents splitting up. You might feel:

• anger
• shock
• sadness
• frustration
• depression
• relief
• guilt
• embarrassment
• happiness.

It’s important to understand that whatever you are feeling— whether it is sadness or relief or anything in between—it’s normal and OK. Most people find their emotions continually change.

Tips for dealing with feelings

Some things young people have told Kids Helpline helped them during their parent separating or getting a divorce include:

• talking to someone you trust
• crying—sometimes it can help you feel better and release emotions
• laughing— watching a funny movie or joking with friends
• getting outside—going for a walk, bike ride or swim
• spending time with friends
• writing in a journal
• doing things you enjoy—going to the movies, reading, sports
• doing something creative such as drawing, playing a musical instrument, singing or dancing.

Talk with your parents

Talking with a parent about what you’re feeling can be helpful. However, keep in mind that sometimes your parents may be too sad and angry themselves to be able to listen to what you are feeling about the separation. If you want to talk with your parent, take care and choose a good time (maybe over afternoon tea).

If you would like to talk, it's important to find someone close to you who you can talk to. It might be helpful to discuss your feelings with someone who you can trust. This might be a friend, neighbour, family member or Kids Helpline.

Thought patterns

It’s important to remember that what’s going on in your family is not your fault and that you’re not to blame for your parents’ problems.

Whatever the circumstances there are a few things to keep in mind:

• it’s not your fault—you’re not responsible for your parents’ relationship
• it’s not up to you to fix your parents’ problems
• your concerns do matter and are important— even though sometimes they can be overlooked and forgotten when things are tough between mum and dad.

Managing after a separation

Divorce and separation can have ongoing challenges for families. Even long after a divorce or separation happens, there may be some things that are difficult to manage. Often teenagers feel like they are caught in the middle. While not all families have the same issues, some common things that might happen are:

• your parents may say things, or ask questions about the other parent, that make/s you feel uncomfortable
• you might be asked to pass messages from one parent to the other
• a parent may buy you more presents than you are comfortable with—this can make things difficult particularly if each parent doesn't have the same amount of money or has different ideas about buying presents.

One of the big things to remember is that you don't have to take sides with either parent if you don't want to. It is OK to let mum and dad know how you feel and to let them know that it is up to them to communicate with each other.

Who do you live with?

There isn't any rule for how old you have to be to choose which parent you want to live with. You’re entitled to have an opinion at any age and your parents should listen to how you feel and what you have to say.

If they can't agree on where you will live, the decision may have to be made by the Family Court. The Family Court will listen to what you have to say and what you want when they make a decision.

Tips for living in 2 homes

Living in 2 homes can be tricky sometimes. It often means 2 different routines and sets of rules. For example, maybe dad might let you do some things that mum doesn't.

Tips for living in 2 homes:

• if you don't have your own bedroom, ask if you can have a special place to store your stuff or put up a divider so you have private space
• ask to have 2 sets of things you need every day at each house, like a toothbrush and hairbrush
• write on the calendar or a diary where you will be, with who and on which day.

Staying in touch

For some young people, after their parents separate they still spend lots of time with both their mum and their dad, but this is not always the case. Sometimes one parent might move to a different city, town or state and it gets hard to spend as much time with them as before.

There are lots of ways to stay in touch:

• make regular times to talk on the phone or on Skype
• write letters or emails
• send texts.

Getting help

If you need to talk to someone you can phone Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, or use their web counselling or email counselling services.