Grief and loss
If you’ve lost someone or something very important to you, you may feel great sadness and feel lost or disoriented. You may also experience secondary losses, such as having to move house or change school. This can lead to questions about your identity and where you fit in, as well as regret over lost possessions and intense feelings of missing your former world.
It can be hard to think about what’s going ‘well’ because you’re aware of all the things that are different and, at times are still feeling sad, disoriented, confused or alone.
Understanding grief
You may have met people who believe grief lasts about 2 or 3 weeks and then gradually you get over it, get stronger, and get back to school and life as before. However, research shows that grief is not like this. The shock and disbelief surrounding a death or a tragedy such as the Victorian bushfires or Queensland floods continues for a long time, and sadness may come and go.
Moving through grief
A grieving person (whether experiencing the loss of a loved one, a neighbour, a home, a pet, familiar surroundings, or the loss or break-up of a relationship) often moves between being in touch with their deep sadness and moving forward and getting on with life.
It’s difficult to predict the path of grief as each individual experiences loss differently. Things that impact on how someone experiences grief include:
- personality
- coping mechanisms
- level of support available
- the type of relationship you had with the person you have lost
- other factors or pressures in your life.
For some people it helps to be with family and friends as they work through the grieving process. Other people prefer to gradually try new behaviours and slowly start reconnecting with their world. On average it takes 4–5 years (or more) for a person to accommodate grief into their lives—so give yourself permission to slow down if you need to.
Moving through grief as a family
If you’re used to being part of a relationship with another person, family or community it can cause a loss of self identity and purpose if you lose this relationship. It often takes time to adjust to these changes as you’re learning to live in a world you’ve never experienced before. Working out a new identity when a family or relationship has changed shape is important, and can be a challenge.
It’s important to remember during this time people grieve differently. Some people:
- want to talk about their losses, but for others a lot of talking isn’t necessary
- may lose their patience more readily
- may feel more irritable or edgy, and less tolerant
- can feel tired and withdraw from social activities
- may feel anxious and/or depressed.
It can be difficult for family members to understand and support each other when each person is grieving in their own way. Different events and memories will have significance and trigger sadness, often at different times, for each family member. As well as this, siblings may feel pressure or guilt for having survived other siblings, and parents who have lost a partner may feel pressure to fill both roles for their children.
Managing grief
Grieving is a very personal journey but there are a number of things that can help you manage your grief. Below are some ideas about how to look after yourself as you go through the grieving process:
- keep talking
- take small steps
- share information
- do things with your family and friends
- establish your living space
- express your sadness when it hits you and try to move on when the feeling has passed
- look after yourself
- ensure you rest, try to have some light daily exercise and eat a healthy diet
- allow yourself to express grief
- if you’re not coping well at school then ask for help
- attend recovery-related events in your area
- work on a film or documentary with friends
- find opportunities to work creatively
- re-read your favourite books
- write a journal or a letter about your daily feelings
- singing, dancing and music
- try to notice and think about new skills you have managed to learn and give yourself a pat on the back!
Most importantly, remember that help is always available - you are not alone.
If you need to talk to someone phone Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, or use their web counselling or email counselling services.
